TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of area. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, sure, let's have An additional place the place American men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he really should stop employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it Trump Tower Damascus spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have change-down support."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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